Chapter 1
A star was born
I hear
backstories are things people like to read, but before we get into any of
that, I need to set a few ground rules. Some of you will probably already know
who I am, if you are smart you will anyway. My name is Clyde, my species is
Hellhound, and I tend to believe I am amazing.
That is why I
think you need to read about my life. I am a busy Hellhound, so don't expect me
to write a long memoir about my relatively short life. I am saving the good
details for the blockbuster movie coming out next spring. I am hoping they
don’t mind me playing myself because I haven’t been able to find another canine
as good looking as yours truly.
On that
subject, another thing you should know going into this is I am a distant, like
next galaxy distant, relative of the human companion species that looks
relatively like me. That means that I don't necessarily think like a humanoid
and you may find some of the things I say to be offensive.
My response to
any complaints? Tough titties.
With those
little facts out of the way, I am ready to tell you a bit more about myself.
Last I checked,
I am still under one-year-old and the size of a small pony. I have only ever
seen a full-size horse in person, but after looking at the dimensions online, I
think I could be compared to a Shetland pony.
My parents are,
obviously, both Hellhounds. My mom's name is Pepa and last I knew she had grown
her second head. Dad, also known as Hermes, is a stud and has all three of his
heads. I still have a number of years before I can even dream about getting my
second, but I do neck exercises daily to prepare. I have been told the added
weight can be a little daunting at first.
My first owner,
Ben the Amazing, as I like to call him, decided to gift me to the woman he was
hoping to make annoying children with. I wasn't sure if I liked the idea of
going home with her, she smelled a little too floral for my liking when we
first met. However, I learned that she was a sucker early on and now I am
living the good life. As long as I don't tell her she smells like lilacs, I
think she will let me keep my balls.
Nyx is a mom
that likes to think she is in charge of everything, but let's face it, she has
so many people around her vying for her affections that she is being guided in
most of her decisions. I don't mind and I refuse to voice my concerns on the
subject, since more often than not it works out in my favor.
Anyway, I live
with her and her entourage now and life couldn't be more perfect. I have even
managed to make a career for myself, although, I don't get paid for it yet.
See, I am a quick study and it only took me a few times watching over shoulders
to figure out how to use the Internet.
I have to say
the Internet is one of the best things ever created besides maybe the cow. I
have spent hours, okay maybe days, on search engines and I have to say that I
am pretty close to knowing everything there is to know.
I decided to
take that knowledge and create my own webpage offering advice for others. I
know, it is a brilliant idea and everyone reading this has flocked to their
closest computer or smart phone to search me out. I will sit around and wait
for you to come back. Oh, you just made a note to check it out later? Great,
let's continue on about me.
I do most of my
advice giving from the comforts of my room, so the humanoids don't question why
I am spending so much time at the computer. So far, other than noticing a few
purchases none of them made for me, they haven't figured it out. They tend to
be rather clueless when it comes to my deviousness. I don’t understand why that
is. I mean I am a Hellhound; it kind of comes with the territory.
The website has been doing pretty good so far. I have
received over fifty letters from hopeless saps out there wanting to find help.
Traffic looks to be going up every hour as word gets out about my amazing
advice giving skills. Before long, I will have to be looking for some bigger
servers to host my greatness.
You aren’t getting upset about me talking about myself
like I am a super being, are you? You should probably stop reading now if that
kind of thing bothers you because it is only going to get worse as we go along.
Moving on, I started things off by just reading those
columns that are normally in the paper and posting the daily questions with my
answers. Yes, I know it is odd to find that a Hellhound is capable of reading a
newspaper, but if you got over the fact that I can use the Internet, that
shouldn’t be a stumbling block.
I have found it a little odd that my answer to the
letters never matches those Dear So and So people, but I chalk that up to them
not knowing what is really going on in the world. I like to think I am a
cultured Hellhound and my advice is something the normal humanoid can take and
implement with ease.
Take my first response as an example, here is what
someone wrote:
Dear ____,
We recently
moved into our house and the next door neighbors are starting to drive us
insane. They were close to the previous owners and according to the neighbors
those owners allowed them to come over and sit on the patio whenever they wanted.
I have walked out a couple of times to enjoy the sunset in peace and found them
both eating dinner on my patio. We have asked them to stop and they have just
smiled and nodded, but they continue to show up unexpectantly. I don’t want to
be the mean neighbor that calls the cops on them for trespassing, but it is
getting to the point that I think it may be necessary.
What can I
do?
Frustrated in
Milwaukee
I won’t say who the letter was addressed to, but they
gave some silly advice that I doubt will get things done. It is people like
these neighbors that you really have to show who is boss or they will just walk
all over you.
This was my response:
Dear
Frustrated,
Are you an
idiot? I mean, really, how hard is it to put your foot down? I have a couple of different ideas that you
would be smart to follow.
First, if you
don’t want people showing up unexpectantly you need to mark your territory.
Walk around your property and mark it like you own it. It is always best to do
this when the wind is blowing in their direction to make sure they can get a
good whiff, so plan accordingly. That alone has always been enough for me, but
if they have had their senses of smell removed, read on.
My second
method of getting rid of the weirdoes has to do with the city you claim to be
living in. I did a search and found your town has the nickname of Beer Town,
amongst other beer and brew names. If your town is known for beer there should
be tons of empty cans littering the streets. This idea should not only work,
but also be great for the environment. Go around and gather these empty cans
and build yourself a wall out of them. Problem solved. You could even paint
them if you wanted it to be a decorative wall.
Other quick
solutions would be: get a fence and a big lock for said fence or move your ass
to a different neighborhood because this one ain’t for you. I would recommend
killing them and burying their bodies in their backyard, but since you had to
write for advice in the first place, I bet you are too big of a pansy to carry
that one out.
Clyde
I posted that response a month or so ago and daily
since then I have either answered other newspaper questions or ones that are
now being sent to me personally. The range of comments I receive go from people
wanting me to come live with them and help with their problems to those who are
trying to convince me to go to church and save myself.
Note to the latter group of people: I am a Hellhound,
you have to be completely crazy to think me walking into a church is going to
go over well. I have a few angel friends I can send in my place though. I bet
that would make your church really popular.
So, I am getting around twenty requests for help a day
now and I try to post and respond to each of them on my site. These people
really need my help, so it would be practically criminal for me not to assist.
Take this email for instance...
“Clyde, Nyx wants to see you pronto,” my friend Jake
yells while he pounds on my door. That figures they won't give me a few hours
to write this important stuff down.
I am just happy I learned how to lock the doors and
convinced them that a Hellhound door was needed. Now, they can't just come
barging in whenever they feel like it. We had a few awkward moments before the
lock was put in place.
Without Nyx around, Jake won't be able to hear any
reply I could attempt to give him, so I jump out of my chair and push through
my door. In case you are wondering, I wrote this next part when I got back to
my computer. I wanted to give you all an idea of what I have to put up with
every day. A visit with Nyx is something that needs to be experienced like it
is happening while you are reading, so we are going to continue in the present
tense even though it happened a few minutes ago. Maybe now you'll be able to
see why I sometimes consider moving in with those people asking me for advice.
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